He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything