oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now