no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore