He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
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