I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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