All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
