Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
