fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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