fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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