I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
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Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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