I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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