glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
