I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
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I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
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Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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