dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
