____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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