I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
