im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
