When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
