just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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