i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
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It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
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There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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