Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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