Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
well you can't waste a boner
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
