Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
