Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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