I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
