the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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