this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
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I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
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Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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