At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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