I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
