He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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