last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
