i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
