oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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