Someone shit on the floor
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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