i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
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I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
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i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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