Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
