You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
