Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
