I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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