If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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