If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
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The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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