Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I currently don't understand fingers.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
