Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
