You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
