what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
