I'm going to jail i love you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
