Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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