guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
