I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
it was like eating out sand paper
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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