Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
