Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
