Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
