i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
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"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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