I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
