I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
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What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast