I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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